Apricity
by Arowen12
Summary: So, Tōshirō knows, as she watches one of the boys push a girl with brilliant gold hair into the carmine dust with a jeering expression, she won't be a she, Tōshirō is a boy because he wants to be. The cool presence that seems to hum behind his heart seems to roar in agreement.


Apricity

(n). The warmth of the sun in winter.

X

Tōshirō sits with her grandmother on the porch, it is bright out turning the dust squished into every crack of the district a bright carmine. Tōshirō doesn't feel the heat as she eats a watermelon, the taste sweet and the juice bursting on her tongue as she watches the children run about. The other girls are being chased by the boys, long hair flying out behind them as the boys roughhouse and squawk at each other.

Granny leans closer to Tōshirō, who is always colder, and she idly glances at the long strands feathering her shoulder before her gaze darts back to the children. One of the boys found a stick and is proceeding to chase the others and threaten them with his newfound weapon; the girls shriek and run away. In Rungokai, being a girl is dangerous, it's better where Tōshirō lives but the fact of the matter is still the same. If you are a woman you are expected to marry a man, have children, maintain a household, go shopping during the day, dress prettily, and wear flowers in your hair.

Tōshirō isn't a girl, she doesn't want to be chased by the boys in the district (if they ever actually talked to her) and have her hair tugged on. She doesn't want to grow up and marry a man or maintain a household. She wants to be able to fight equally with the boys, to be respected, to understand the voice inside her dreams. Tōshirō knows she could become a Shinigami as a female, but she also knows there's only one female Captain and she was the previous Kenpachi.

Momo is a girl, but Momo is soft, gentle, and likes to look at the boys or wear flowers in her hair, and she loves Tōshirō like a little sister and braids her hair and teases her about boyfriends. But that was before she left to become a Shinigami, to strive against constant misogyny, which she speaks of in her instructors and her peers. She'll make it, Tōshirō knows she will, but she also knows that she doesn't want to be like Momo, who is sweet and gentle and wants to settle down and have children one day.

So, Tōshirō knows, as she watches one of the boys push a girl with brilliant gold hair into the carmine dust with a jeering expression, she won't be a she, Tōshirō is a boy because he wants to be. The cool presence that seems to hum behind his heart seems to roar in agreement and Tōshirō turns to his Granny, watching the children with nostalgia in her eyes and says,

"Granny I want to cut my hair. I'm not a girl, I'm a boy."

And Granny studies him for a moment with those old eyes that seem to peer deep into the void, deep into Tōshirō before she nods and totters into their home. The old woman returns with a knife, one they use for cooking and she sits beside Tōshirō with glinting eyes and beckons the child closer. Granny grabs a piece of his hair and with a press of the knife the white strands, glinting like snow in the bright sunlight, fall to the ground, and with it a weight on Tōshirō's chest.

X

Tōshirō enters the academy, part of it is to save his Granny's life and learn to control his reaitsu, part of it is because he needs direction, needs to learn control, and the others in the village won't speak to him. So, he goes and the voice inside his head purrs its happiness and the examiners are pleasantly surprised by his reaitsu and prowess in connecting with his zanpaktou. And suddenly the voice inside his head makes sense, Hyōrinmaru, a celestial protector formed of ice; the cold suddenly makes sense.

But then there is Kusaka, and they are friends or something like it, though he has never really had a friend. They have the same zanpaktou and suddenly everything changes, because Tōshirō wonders if he is deserving of his zanpaktou when he isn't biologically male, when he'll never be as strong physically as Kusaka, but Hyōrinmaru only roars and then there is blood, bright carmine covering everything and staining the white of his uniform, and guilt but the spirit inside his head roars and the doubts fall away like icicles in the onset of spring.

X

Unohana-taicho stares at Tōshirō with piercing eyes that appear neither kind nor malicious where they study the young Shinigami, they are observant and wild but hidden beneath a mask of polite humanity. He had graduated, early, dubbed a prodigy, and now that he is in the service of the Gotei 13 he seeks the healer because he is secure in his position and wants to know more.

She speaks of hormone injections for when he begins puberty, of dysphoria with his own body (and it all makes a bit of sense), that she's always here if he needs to speak, and that eventually or perhaps already in the mortal world they will have transitional procedures. Tōshirō nods and they both don't comment on how Tōshirō hasn't grown since he entered the academy.

Tōshirō doesn't want to grow up, he doesn't want breasts, and to experience his moon's blood, to have eyes watch him but not in respect but in the way, they follow lieutenant Matsumoto.

Tōshirō already binds his chest, because he is a boy and he wants to appear as such, wants to feel comfortable in his own skin. He needs the security, needs to know that eyes won't stray to his chest, that his features and his voice won't have people confuse him for what he is; he keeps his hair short because he likes it and his uniform is loose because they don't have one properly in his size. So, Tōshirō doesn't grow up, but he could, but he won't.

And as he nods his thanks to the Captain who is whispered of in the late-night streets of Rungokai with sharp tongues and the crackle of a fire, the woman calls out, "Remember Hitsugaya-san, there are always allies, even here in Soul Society."

Tōshirō nods once more and as he exits another Shinigami shuffles in and he can feel the chill that fills the room accompanied by the woman's fierce aura. Tōshirō won't grow up, but he will be a Shinigami.

X

Tōshirō remembers when Momo first met him as him, she had stared at the short hair, at his clothing and had tilted her head. With a giggle, she had asked where her little sister had gone. Tōshirō had scowled and chucked the piece of melon he was eating at her, but she had only ruffled his hair and sat down beside Tōshirō with an accepting smile. And Tōshirō hadn't thrown another slice of melon at her when she began to prattle about how best to dress him.

X

His Captain is, well, eccentric is perhaps the mildest term Tōshirō can use to describe the over-energetic man, but he's his Captain nonetheless. Shiba-taicho is about as observant as a brick and he doesn't notice anything, or if he does he doesn't speak of it. And for that Tōshirō is thankful, he may still have a bit of a squeaky voice, and baby-fat clings to his cheeks, but the man doesn't tease the third-seat.

Rangiku on the other hand happily coos at him when he's not attempting to get the woman to finish the paperwork or stop drinking at one in the afternoon. But she's still respectful of his space and they both attempt to live with their Captain.

They're overseeing a training session, and as Rangiku leans over one of their subordinates to fix his stance he leers at her, staring at her breasts. The lieutenant does nothing but give a disgusted sigh and then she is striding back to stand beside Tōshirō.

"Rangiku why do you dress like that?"

Tōshirō questions, because he's seen the way the men stare at her when they're on patrol, and near everywhere else; all of them turned into lovestruck fools. Rangiku laughs, the sound clear and like birdsong in the courtyard where katana move gracefully through the air, catching the light like a thousand charms. The woman runs a hand through strawberry blonde hair and with a quieter air replied, "It gives me confidence, and it's fun to play with them like that."

"So, you're not interested in them?"

Tōshirō responded curiously with a tilt of his head as he contemplated how dressing the way you wanted could give you confidence, he supposed it was like binding his chest; it reassured him and allowed him to breathe easier (metaphorically). He doesn't really understand wanting to play with the men, but he supposes that is just the lieutenant. Rangiku laughed again at his question, her whole body shaking with the motion of it before she shook her head, something wistful darting across her features before she replied, "No Tōshirō, I'm asexual."

The third seat tilted his head at the unfamiliar word and Rangiku giggled into the palm of her hand eyes bright in the noon-day sun as she replied, "It means I don't want to have sexual relationships," She paused eyes serious where they studied Tōshirō and continued, "And that's perfectly okay Tōshirō, just be you alright?"

Tōshirō nodded and accepted Rangiku's reasoning easily enough, in some ways it made sense. With a nod, the two Shinigami returned to observing the division members and Tōshirō felt like he understood the lieutenant a slight bit better.

X

Ukitake-taicho is standing in front of Tōshirō talking to one of his subordinates, he brightens when he catches sight of Tōshirō and moves forward with a warm greeting and a hand settled on Tōshirō's shoulder. The young Captain smiled genially up at the older man, who was always insistent on shoving candy into his hands whenever possible. Tōshirō only mildly complained before he shoved the large number of sweets onto Rangiku who happily distributed them to the rest of her association and Yachiru.

They talked lightly for a few moments, about duty, subordinates, and the like, the familiar walls of Soul Society rising around Tōshirō like a maze before Ukitake-taicho quirks his lips and with keen eyes states, "It's always nice to meet others. Just be careful with your binding when you go into battle Tōshirō-chan, maybe even loosen it a bit if you have the chance."

Tōshirō's eyes widened as he stared at Ukitake-taicho, mouth opening and closing for a moment as he tried to comprehend that the ancient Captain, who was respected throughout Soul Society, one of Yamamoto's first pupils, was like him. Blankly the Captain nodded for a moment before a thousand questions surface and amidst the cacophony of his own mind he questioned with a wave of his hand, "When did you?"

"Find out? Probably my second year at the academy."

The man replied with a serene sort of smile that did waves for Tōshirō's nerves as he nodded, likely sensing Tōshirō's shock the white-haired Captain put a reassuring hand on Tōshirō's shoulder and with a jovial sort of smile said, "If you ever want to talk I'm always here Tōshirō-chan."

Then the man was ambling away whistling a jaunty tune and Tōshirō couldn't help the swell of happiness inside his chest that seemed to resonate with the walls surrounding him glinting in the sunlight.

X

Ichigo Kurosaki was an enigma, strong, brave, moral fibre alike to the Soutaicho, but also rash, young, naïve, and utterly lacking any form of respect whatsoever. Tōshirō shifted on his feet standing in the teenager's room, the wound on his chest was all but healed due to the aid of the bubbly human, but his bandages were ruined. Ichigo had offered his home, and currently, Tōshirō needed to recuperate, so, he was standing in the orange-haired teen's bedroom awkwardly waiting for the youth to return with a plate of food.

At that moment, Ichigo opened the door reaitsu surrounding him like the endlessness of an ocean with the same unknown depths beckoning all to look closer in curiosity. The substitute Shinigami placed the plate on a side table but paused at the sight of the bandages in Tōshirō's hand. Anyone who called Kurosaki an idiot was daft because at times he could be scarily perceptive.

"Do you want a binder Tōshirō?"

Ichigo questioned with concern, the image of an older sibling. Tōshirō resisted the urge to insist on formality and instead tilted his head, the word sounded vaguely familiar, but he couldn't place where. The orange-haired Shinigami blushed and shifted on his feet for a moment before he continued, "You know for your chest? Karin has a few because when she decides she wants to be a he, she likes to wear a binder."

"Karin is genderfluid?"

Tōshirō questioned the term coming to the forefront of his mind as he recalled Rangiku speaking of Yumichika being genderfluid. Ichigo brightened at Tōshirō's answer, no hint of disgust or judgement in the Captain's tone, and continued, "Yeah, she found out maybe five years ago, sometimes she wants to be a he you know? Tou-san got torn up about it at first and her school used to give her a hassle but now it's fine. Most of the time she identifies as female, but you can usually tell if she's binding then she's using he/him pronouns.

"Oh, that reminds me, I don't know if you know considering how behind Soul Society is and everything, but if you ever wanted to there are medical procedures if you want to transition fully. Yuzu is a big ally and the like, and I'm in the community as well just not as much, so she updates me on the more recent news. Just if you ever wanted to?"

Ichigo finished with a touch of an abashed smile, one hand rubbing the back of his head. Tōshirō processed the information the substitute Shinigami had dumped on him, he had always known Soul Society was behind, but the idea that there were surgeries, and procedures made his heart flutter in his chest. The idea that the raven-haired twin was genderfluid was also interesting, it sort of made sense in a way.

Smiling in thanks Tōshirō replied, "Thank you Ichigo-san, if it wouldn't be any trouble I would like to borrow a binder."

Ichigo beamed and with a nod turned to leave the room, only to pause and attempt to ruffle Tōshirō's hair which earned the substitute Shinigami a swat.

X

Harribel stares at Tōshirō for a long moment, her eyes falling to his chest, but she says nothing and for that Tōshirō is grateful. He doesn't want to hear how he should embrace who he is biologically, or how he's any other manner of slurs for what he is and isn't. Instead, they collide in the fading sunlight of the afternoon water and ice; morals not gender.

X

Tōshirō stood tall, taller then he had stood in awhile, Kuchiki-taicho stared at him with wide eyes, at the ice coating his arms and overlapping across his chest and the bandages there, at his features, before the strict Captain nodded once and returned his attention to The Miracle. There are shadows around them, seeping from every building but there is also light glinting off the shards of ice coating the remnants of Soul Society.

Some part of Tōshirō despised how he looked as an adult, how feminine he appeared, wished he could claw his way out of his body so everyone could see himself as he did. But he couldn't fail Soul Society, couldn't stand down now. Hyōrinmaru roared in his mind and Tōshirō let his Bankai flourish. This was him as much as his younger body and he would damn well show everyone that his body didn't matter. in the end

X

Later Rukia and Renji would confuse him for Tōshirō's older brother and the fact would make him inordinately pleased.

X

Tōshirō stares at the scars in the mirror, runs his fingers over his jawline, feels the light stubble there, resists the urge to hear his deepening voice. He's thankful, that he's alive, that they're recovering, he's recovering, but their work isn't over yet and as much as Tōshirō wants to linger in the hum of Soul Society he can't. Instead, Tōshirō pulls his shihakusho on, and his haori over his shoulders and strides out of the room, away from the mirror, and into the courtyard where the sunlight dances across the cracked stones.

X

Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed this interpretation/exploration of Tōshirō's character. Reviews/comments are always appreciated!


End file.
